It’s that special time of year where everyone is planning dates, and going out. Dating when you’re gay, or any sexuality really, can be tricky enough depending on where you live. When you start approaching relationships after transitioning into the mix, suddenly it can feel like you’re playing a totally different ball game with a bunch of made up rules. 

According to Glaad, “only 16 to 18% of Americans say they would be willing to date someone who is transgender.” This statistic can feel disheartening, especially when you consider that it includes members of our own LGBTQ+ community. In that article, McGrath mentions that even “LGBT inclusive” dating sites will still make you stick to the confines of a gender binary, or not allow selecting both male and female preferences, and have less than stellar options for listing your gender when making your profile. He mentions that OkCupid and Tinder have been the most accessible and allow a variety of options for gender identity and sexual preferences. 

After transitioning, you’ll often find that approaching potential partners is entirely different. You’re forced into the mental gymnastics of deciding when to bring it up, should you bring it up, and how? Often, it’s the first thing to come up, as it’s better to get ghosted right away, than to show up to the date and risk a violent encounter. It’s a scary reality that many of us face. Depending on where you live, this might not even be an issue at all, but for some, it’s of vital importance. 

What are some things you can do to make the dating process go a little smoother?

• As mentioned before, early disclosure is often best. Even if it says in your bio that you are trans and your pronouns are listed—the whole nine yards—it still doesn’t hurt to bring it up. (Trans panic is still a very real and dangerous problem, but we won’t get into that here today.)
  
• Find T4T people in your area if possible. Whether it’s through message boards, or local outreach, having a chance to interact with your local LGBTQ+ organizations will give you a chance to meet new people, as well as contribute to your community!
  
• Always, always, always meet up in a well-lit, bright, open, public space when you go out for the first few dates. Using apps like SafeDate with friends and family can help ensure your safety, and if things start going south, they can be alerted.

Many trans people begin their transitions while still in a relationship with another person. Depending on their partner’s sexuality, coming out as trans can often go several ways. For example, in a hetero-passing relationship, if a trans man comes out to his straight male partner, this could incite a lot of confusion, and “threaten” his sexuality, or vice versa. “What would my family think?” etc. 

These reactions can be disheartening or even scary. Sometimes, it’s better to move on from these relationships, so that you both can be happy with your identities and lifestyles. Otherwise, you can be left feeling stuck, trapped, and in the wrong body for longer than you deserve. (The catch is that you don’t deserve to feel that way at all.) 

It’s worth remembering that bi and pansexual people, as well as non-binary individuals, make up a significant portion of the LGBTQ+ community. For many, gender or “what’s in the pants” isn’t even a thought in our minds. It’s about the wonderful person sitting across the brunch table with a smile on her face and someone who respects her and her identity. 

Trying to explore relationships after transitioning can feel daunting at first, and that’s okay.  Check out some local events, meet other people within the local community, and put yourself out there. Look after yourself and stay safe. You’ll find the right person if you follow these transgender dating tips.