Think about the last time you wanted to meet a guy for a date. What kind of relationship were you looking for? A quick fling or a long-term relationship? Well, if you’re using a popular gay dating app like Grindr, Tinder, or Planet Romeo you may have found it hard to make a real relationship with someone. 

The question that remains is, “why is it so freaking hard to find a man that wants a real connection?” The answer to your question lies not with the app, but with your goals. When you meet a man do you let him know beforehand what you’re looking for? Are you clearly letting the person you’re meeting know that you want something long term? And last, but definitely not least, are you setting the mood and selling the idea of a long-term relationship on your date? 

What exactly ones that even mean, you might be thinking. So, picture this… You’re meeting a guy for a date. You’ve told him that you want to get to know him because your chat has been going well. Finally, he agrees to the date. Where should you have the date and what activity should you do? If you’re looking for a quick fling, then it’s simple – a few drinks before you hit the hay and have a roll. But if you’re looking to make a real connection you’d be better off meeting for dinner or coffee. Somewhere you can sit, have a chat, and get to know the person a bit better. 

Here’s the hard truth though – most people in the online dating scene are simply looking for a quick lay. Hookup culture has been around since the 70’s and 80’s where cruising was king because of a lack of digital platforms for us to meet. It’s easy to joke about hookup culture in the gay community too. It’s almost as if we wear our badges on our sleeve. 

When you go to the club and see a sister slayyying the house down to Beyoncé’s new hit “break my soul” and waving her fans left and right in a pair of booty shorts and pink tank top – it’s almost as if she’s holding up a sign saying, “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” Now, that’s not to say that this will hold true for everyone you meet, but if you’re truly looking for a relationship it can be difficult to find a someone with the same mindset as you. 

You may be wondering, “why does gay hookup culture seem so isolating?” And the answer is that it’s not meant to be. In fact, it is the exact opposite. The idea is to meet and have fun with as many people as possible. So, why does it feel so isolating?

It’s because hookup culture is sex without intimacy. It’s great for your carnal desires but it doesn’t give you the real connection we need as human beings. The need for meaningful and emotional social interactions is hard grained into our existence. They are both innate and biological, and hookup culture directly clashes with these internal feelings. 

If you’re feeling depressed and anxious with love and you feel hookup culture is to blame, you’re not alone. Studies show that continual casual sex with multiple partners can cause you to feel bad and shoot anxiety levels through the roof. If you’ve ever hooked up with a guy, caught feelings, and then he ghosted you – you’re probably a victim of the emotions that casual hookups can bring. 

Does all this mean you shouldn’t hookup casually with the hot, shirtless go-go dancer at the night club as he looks you up and down like Donald Trump would a hamburger? Heck no! However, it does mean that it won’t aid you in finding your life partner – unless you manage to woo him endlessly. 

But really, if you met him at a night club, half naked, and after a few margaritas – do you really think he will be someone you can spend the rest of your life with?

Let us know in the comments below! And, if you have any juicy or steamy stories, we would love to hear them.