It seems everyone is eating ass these days. But, are you eating the groceries right? HomoCulture does the deep dive of ALL deep dives.

We assume you weren’t read for this kind of character assassination, were you? Well, put on your big girl manties and buckle up, because HomoCulture is about to go where few everyone seems to be going these days. 

The hole.

With their uvula!

We kid, we kid!

Now, before we get to the booty rules, there are some precursors that we assume everyone should know (or WANT to know), but for those first-timers out there that are looking to get their buttocks devoured and their oral cavities titillated, let’s get down to rimming 101, shall we?

Thou Shalt Thine Ass Cleaneth

We are assuming that you are not down with the brown (at least not for this assignment, but HomoCulture may cover the ‘brown brigade’ in upcoming issues), so we stress that cleanliness is next to godliness when it comes to your nether-region, so when in doubt, you’re gonna have to douche it! We have covered how to douche before, so once you have that down, return to us. 

You back?

OK then!

Now that you’ve done your squat-squirt-hold-release routine a few times, you are A-OK to get ass tickled away! Now, if by any chance you don’t have time for a proper douche, there’s always the bastardized version where you flee to a bathroom and wash and wipe as thoroughly as you can. Now, this is not the ideal situation, but we understand that sometimes things come up before you go and get down, but do your absolute ass-best here and avoid being labeled the ‘tunnel of trepidation’! You do want repeat business, don’t you?!

And WHY do you want to be as clean as a whistle down there, you ask?

For those not in the know, an unclean bunghole comes with lots of bacteria that can take you down a road to bad health you should always try to avoid. Can you say E. coli and salmonella? Of course you can! These are not new words to even the most casual fan of food – and let’s be clear that ass is an important food group! 

Thine Bill of Health Shalt STI-Free Be

Alongside physical cleanliness, you should know the sexual health of your partner(s) when it comes to any type of penetration. And to be clear, your tongue punching the chocolate starfish is considered penetration! STIs can be transmitted through the anus as well, and thus the possibilities of herpes, warts, syphilis, gonorrhea, hepatitis A and B can abound. Thus, if you are unsure of the hole you are about to devour, you must consider the risk and what you plan to do about it. Dental dams are not just for pussy-eaters, we must note!

ASSume the Position

For the most effective ass-eating positions, you have come to the right place, because HomoCulturehas your crack back! For the most effective rim jobs, doggystyle is ideal for a number of reasons, but in particular point of view and more range of motion to touch and feel your partner. Plus, when it comes to anal devourment, you want to be as comfortable as possible. This is not the only position, of course, and depending on the size and stature of your partner(s), you may find a few others that are ideally suited for your horizontal (and possibly vertical) passions. So, spread those cheeks and if the mood suits you, make them clap with wild abandon for your partner!

Get In the Trenches!

If you’re delving into someone’s back door, then you need to leave all reservations and inhibitions behind and get in there! Why go in half-way, half-assed in ass?! There’s nothing more discouraging and disheartening than a rimshot that’s not giving. There’s a reason the adage is ‘eat the booty like groceries’.

Get yo’ snack on!

For the newbies, this not the time to go fast and furious, either. Sexperiment! There are a range of techniques to go alongside finding the best positions – circling the pucker folds, pushing your tongue in and out, etc. Try a few rounds with your partner(s) and feel it out until you hit all the right rectum notes. 

Make them sing in approval!

Relax ALL You Muscles

Whether giving or receiving, it is almost a given that someone is bound to clench up and with time and practice, you and your partner(s) will learn how to destress to get the full benefits out of a rim shot. Whichever side of the spectrum you may be on, remember to remain as cool as a cucumber whether an ass is in your face or on it. 

Sexpectations

Rimshots are an area where you should expect the unexpected, so remember that no matter how clean you may be or your partner, sh*t happens, and if/when it does, be mindful of your partner and their feelings. Eating ass is an intimate act and when done right, brings a closeness to your partner that may take it to a new level. And now that you have been properly introduced to the art of ass-eatery, HomoCulture wants you to go out, go on that, and go in that!

Pucker up!